There will be days when you will feel depleted. Days when you might even ask, “What have I gotten myself into?” One piece of advice I have for you is to take such moments as a reminder to reconnect with your why, your North Star, your guiding principle. Tap into that clarity of vision that brought you here in the first place.
Do I belong here?
So.. I did my 2022 year-end reflection and I am still processing the overwhelming feelings in my heart. In fact, I studied nutrition-public health in my undergrad because of a “coincidence” as I chose the program as a backup. But then the more I dive into this, the more I am impassioned. Another “coincidence” is being a civil servant in a public health center. Looking back at my journal pages from years ago, I saw lots of desperation and anger in those early years, esp 2019-2020. If you know me from 2019, you know that it’s sooo hard for me to accept this fate, but then I realized that it exposed me to various hands-on problem solving, including crisis management of covid-19. One thing that makes me keep going down this tough road is.. when the “Indonesia Pusaka” song was played and we had to kiss Indonesia’s flag at one night of my civil servant training back in 2019, I cried a lot with trembling heart, bawling.
Then, I started questioning, is it really a “call”?
Fast forward to Aug 2022, when finally I arrived in Boston and attended the orientation day, I felt overwhelmed. The vibes, the buildings, the people, the conversations and all other little things felt so fascinating. But also a part of me questioning, “why am I here? Do I belong here?” after I met a bunch of amazing people in this field. I feel like I don’t deserve this. The Dean said in her opening speech on the orientation day, “Choosing a career in public health at this urgent juncture means you’ve decided to run toward the greatest challenges of our time. It is not a task for the faint-hearted, and it’s not a task for anyone who is willfully blind to what’s happening on and to our planet.”
Ohh… it hit my heart that bad, and once again I cried.
Then, I started questioning, is it really a “call”?
Although it’s not easy when I do it, with all those sleepless nights, endless assignments, readings and more.. One thing for sure, that I do it because of the faces that came to my mind when I kissed The Flag, all the faces of desperation and hope at the same time. You do it for a good deed, so keep going Asti, even if you think that you’re not capable of doing so. Keep going.
USA, December 2022.
