The month of independence
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I’ve been thinking lately, what is the so-called independence, really?
I used to be very excited when I got opportunities to talk and lead projects in regards to nutrition and health. I always took those chances to learn more and more. Yet, I’ve been sabotaging myself for the past couple of months. I ignore many opportunities offered by anyone; my alibi is “I’m busy”, while actually I could and *really wanted* to make it, but I didn’t. I feel like I’m not capable and not good enough to speak and work upon those notion since it’s been a while I catch up with those topic and not working on those issues. Even when my friends/family asked me things, which are my cups of tea, I don’t have any confidence to answer. It feels wrong, everytime, like I’m lying, but I’m not… then I sabotaged myself.
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Been working on so much things that I was not familiar with, and enforced to “abandon” my true element; I feel strange, I feel alienated, I feel confined, far far a way from independence. While on the same time I also feel like I’m not capable enough to do of what I’m currently doing. Nothing feels right and I feel like I don’t deserve what I have. I tend to overworked myself to convince my own self that I am enough, I am capable, I am worthy; Whilst nothing to prove. Another case of sabotaging myself.
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I thought impostor syndrome is out-of-the-way, still it haunts me terribly; away from independence.
Disturbed by this condition, I try to affirm myself. But even to write down what I’ve been doing and contributing by my own knowledge and effort, I couldn’t make it… I think it’s unjustifiable since I always think that I’m not enough.
Oh poor u.
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I tried to knock every potential door, pursuing my kind of independence, in order to get back on my track, my element… but why I’m always failing and feeling very distant to those points? So how it feels to be in the state of independence?
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I know it’s not supposed to be like this, I’m working on it. Hope it will heal, sooner. So I could shine, brighter.
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a personal random note, late at night, in August.
